15. The Mindsets That Keep Us Small
What’s new: Part 2 of our imposter syndrome series goes deeper — into the internalized roles and real-world risks that keep marginalized leaders from showing up fully.
Why it matters: These aren’t confidence issues. They’re survival strategies you adopted to stay safe in systems not built for you. But they may be limiting your leadership more than protecting it.
In this episode:
The real consequences of visibility for women and marginalized leaders
4 internalized roles that keep us stuck: The Good Girl, The Grateful Guest, The Invisible Worker, and The Perfect Performer
How scarcity in leadership creates division — even among women
Why validation and community are essential to unlearning
How to discern what’s a real risk and what’s outdated conditioning
📆 Save your seat for the free Imposter Syndrome webinar: “Is It Me or the System? Reclaiming Confidence in a Culture of Self-Doubt”
🎧 Listen to Part 1 first? Go to: “The Truth About Imposter Syndrome” (Ep 14)
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Transcript
Opening
Welcome to Upleveling Work. I'm Michelle Kay Anderson—executive coach helping leaders expand their capacity, not just their effort. This podcast explores how to break old patterns, navigate complexity, and make work more human. Let's uplevel together.
If you joined us for Episode 14, you know we're in the midst of a three-part series examining what's commonly called "imposter syndrome." Last time, we reframed it as conditioned self-doubt—a predictable response to navigating systems that weren't built with you in mind.
Today, we're going deeper. Because when I say "the culture is the problem, not you," I'm not suggesting these doubts are imaginary. In fact, I want to validate something important: there are real consequences for marginalized leaders who step outside prescribed roles. Your caution isn't paranoia—it's an intelligent adaptation to genuine risk.
Let's explore the mental models we've internalized, and why "just be more confident" is such dangerous advice.
The Real Risks of Visibility
When we talk about "playing small" or "holding yourself back," we often miss a crucial truth: there are legitimate penalties for women and marginalized folks who don't conform to expectations.
Research consistently shows:
Women who negotiate as assertively as men are perceived as demanding, not leadership material
Black women face the "angry Black woman" stereotype when expressing even mild disagreement
Latinas encounter the "fiery" or "emotional" label when they demonstrate passion
Asian women are expected to be quiet and deferential—and face backlash when they're not
LGBTQ+ leaders constantly navigate assumptions about their competence and authority
The advice to "just speak up more" or "be more confident" completely ignores these realities. It places the burden of change on individuals while dismissing the very real social and professional penalties they might face.
If you feel like you're walking a tightrope in professional settings—you are. The margins for error are narrower, and the consequences of missteps more severe.
This isn't catastrophizing. It's context.
The Roles That Keep Us Safe (But Small)
What makes this dynamic even more complex is that we don't just encounter these expectations externally—we internalize them as survival strategies.
Over time, you may have adopted one or more of these roles:
The Good Girl who follows all the rules, never rocks the boat, and seeks approval above all else. She believes her worth comes from being liked and accommodating others.
The Grateful Guest who perpetually feels they don't quite belong in professional spaces. They over-thank, over-explain, and over-apologize—because deep down, they believe they're one mistake away from having their "visitor's pass" revoked.
The Invisible Worker who pours endless energy into supporting others, fixing problems behind the scenes, and making sure things run smoothly—while rarely claiming credit or advancing their own agenda.
The Perfect Performance who believes they must be flawless, prepared for every possibility, and without weakness. They exhaust themselves trying to anticipate and avoid criticism.
These aren't character flaws. They're adaptations that once helped you navigate hostile environments. They're how you learned to belong, to survive, to advance despite barriers.
The problem isn't that you developed these strategies. The problem is that they're now limiting your impact, your joy, and your authentic expression of leadership.
They run on automatic - helpful to evaluate if really serving you…
When Women Don't Support Women
Here's another uncomfortable truth: Finding community isn't always as simple as connecting with others who share your identity.
We've all heard the rallying cry that "women should support women." But research shows that's not always what happens in practice.
The phenomenon of "queen bee syndrome"—where women in leadership positions distance themselves from other women or even actively undermine them—emerges not from inherent competition, but from scarcity.
When an organization has historically allowed only a token few women into leadership, it creates conditions where women may feel they need to:
Distance themselves from "feminine" traits and other women to be taken seriously
Protect their hard-won position when it feels tenuous
Adopt the dominant culture's values to survive, including its biases
This isn't about blaming individual women. It's about recognizing how systems of exclusion can turn potential allies against each other.
The reality is that community and solidarity require intentionality. They require actively unlearning competitive frameworks and recognizing when we're operating from scarcity rather than abundance.
Turning Awareness Into Action
So where do we go from here? How do we navigate these very real dynamics?
First, validation: If you've been sensing these patterns but couldn't quite name them, you're not imagining things. Your perception is accurate. The playing field isn't level, and pretending otherwise won't serve you.
Second, discernment: Get clear about which risks are real in your specific environment and which may be echoes from past experiences. Ask yourself:
What consequences have I actually observed when others step outside expected roles?
Which mental models am I operating from most often?
Are these models still serving my growth and impact?
What's the real cost of maintaining this role versus experimenting with new ways of showing up?
Third, strategic action: This isn't about recklessly disregarding real risks. It's about making calculated choices about which rules you're willing to break and which battles are worth fighting.
Sometimes, the most radical act isn't dramatic confrontation—it's subtle subversion of expectations through consistent, authentic presence. It is real rest, so you can show up fully present to meet the moment.
The Power of Witnessed Experience
One of the most powerful antidotes to these internalized roles is having your experience witnessed and validated by others who understand.
This is why coaching relationships, affinity groups, and carefully chosen peer support are so valuable. They create spaces where you can:
Name what you're experiencing without being dismissed
Recognize when you're operating from outdated mental models
Test new ways of showing up in lower-stakes environments
Build resilience for the inevitable pushback that comes with change
You cannot dismantle these deeply ingrained patterns through willpower alone. Community isn't just nice to have—it's essential for sustainable transformation.
Wrap-up and webinar invitation
As we bring this episode to a close, I want to emphasize something crucial: The path forward isn't about "fixing" yourself or ignoring real risks. It's about reclaiming the narrative around your experiences.
When you understand that your caution isn't weakness but wisdom, that your adaptations weren't flaws but necessary survival strategies, something powerful happens. You begin to separate the cultural messaging from your authentic voice. You can choose which risks are worth taking and which boundaries are worth maintaining.
This journey requires both individual reflection and collective support. It means honoring your lived experience while not allowing it to confine your future possibilities. It's about recognizing that the very traits that made you feel like an outsider might actually be your greatest leadership strengths when expressed authentically.
Remember that dismantling conditioned self-doubt is both personal work and systems work. Every time you refuse to internalize limitations that were never about your capability but about maintaining the status quo, you create space for others to do the same.
Next week, in our final episode of this series, we'll explore how to reauthor your leadership story. We'll move beyond simply identifying limiting beliefs to actively crafting new narratives that honor both your vision and your lived experience.
📆 If this conversation resonates with you, I invite you to join my upcoming free webinar: "Is It Me or the System? Reclaiming Confidence in a Culture of Self-Doubt”
We'll dive deeper into these patterns and explore practical tools for moving forward with more clarity and agency. Register at michellekayanderson.com/webinar or check the show notes.
Remember: Your doubts didn't originate in isolation, and neither will your liberation. Until next time, take care of yourself and question everything that makes you smaller.
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